ok so as i have said a MILLION times i have this awesome best friend leilani ratliff and she has an awesome family and they belong to this awesome church right? well i met lani like 8 almost 9 years ago, and well we were like great friends which over the years it turned into best friends. and in this time period of 8-9 years we of course talked about her religion because well A-we both talked alot and B-im curious about everything and wanted to know more. so started the process of my conversion (even though i didnt know it).
so i believe my first "close call" as (my mom would have called it at the time) with actually wanting to take the discussions was in 9th or 10th grade and i had gone to church and Michigan with her and her family and just loved what i felt when i was around them and their mormon friends and at that age of confusion and self exploration i was latching on to anything and everything i could that was solid stable and made me feel good. and well of course awesome friendly people with morals made me feel good duh! lol :) so after lots of talking with lani i told her i wanted to take the discussions not realizing the huge impact this would have on my parents at the time. so when i came home one day all excited to tell them i wanted to get involved in a church again and that i wanted to take these things called "discussions" with these guys called missionaries my parents were leary. they wanted to know what church and as soon as i uttered the word mormon..my mom got upset and scared and angry all at once (it was kind of scary actually lol jk). and i just didnt understand how something that made me so happy could make my mom so upset! so the next day, and i remember this like it was yesterday, my mom came home from work with some articles she had printed out all about how the LDS church was one big trap and that there was no getting out! and pretty much scared the crap out of me and i saw how much even the thought of me joining scared her so i just dropped the whole idea right there with no furthur investigation...to her knowledge atleast.
after that i still went to all kinds of activities with lani, dances, confrences, church, ect and still got that same amazing feeling being there but it was overshadowed by my parents fear and loathing for the church..so i kept that fun between lani and i. i even talked to missionaries again not with an open mind of course because my parents had drilled this defensive mindset into my brain but i still talked to them wanting to get answers for me and my parents.
this continued up until i started dating my first serious boyfriend (which was from end of senior year to end of freshman year of college) whom i based a lot of my decisions on regarding my friends and myself. i kind of lost contact with lani during what i like to call "the dark year" lol and i lost myself completely. i didnt realize it at the time but i was not michelle any more i was this person who did everything they could for someone else who didnt return it. and i didnt realize this until i went out to visit lani in utah. i had been getting back in touch with her because i was going through rough patches with my boyfriend at the time and i knew she would always be there for me because she is like this awesome rock in my life and she was. so i decided to go out there for a week, the entire time i was out there i found myself wanting what she had again. wanting her relationship with god, wanted to be surrounded by amazing people who actually had RESPECT AND MORALS but i couldnt have it (or so i thought). i was completely miserable because i was tied to someone who was sucking the very life out of me and i had lost me. when i returned home from my trip (the day i got back) my boyfriend broke up with me and i was completely alone for the first time in my entire life. i had no one at this point. i prayed yes, but i didnt feel a relationship there i didnt feel anything but pain. the only person who had always been there for me was out in utah with everything i had ever wanted (but may not have known at the time) and i was in MO with nothing. absolutely nothing.
so starts my journey to find myself. i was a freshman in college who had no idea who she was, where i was going next, and if there was going to be anyone there for me. the next year...yes YEAR after my ex and i had split i went into this roller coaster of bad decisions and as most of you know i made some pretty stupid decisions except for one...i made one REALLY good decision. i found the church again. this came about in oh october when i was really struggling with my ex, we had kept in contact and he was still leading me along and i was following i wasnt ready to let go yet. and i remember this so well too. one night while at northwest him and i had gotten into an argument about something..probably because i was being stupid wanting him back and i was just so absolutely terrified that if i didnt end up with him then no one would want me! and then i called another one of my LDS friends because i figured i should just join the church, it would get me away from him with a bunch of cute new singles and i could just forget about him. transfer to BYU or something! and i was set on this. i told my parents (again) that i wanted to join and (again) they flipped and then i told my ex and he said the one thing that i will never forget "michelle if you ever join the church i will never talk to you again" so between him and my parents i was deterred yet again.
however the idea of the church and the way it made me felt never left my mind and that is when i started praying about it. i started praying for answers for help and guidance from Heavenly Father and i never got it because i think he knew i wasnt ready for it. so once again it was pushed to the back of my mind..this was all in october. i will quickly fastfoward the next few months. in DEC= i stopped talking to my ex for good and with Heavenly Fathers help it remains in tact. from december to mayish i hung out with my same friends and tried to change my habits with little luck but for the first time in my life i was doing what i wanted for myself and what made ME happy. (oh yea by this time lani was in germany :[ ). however this life style i was living was not making me happy anymore. i wasnt going anywhere and i felt empty.
towards the end of may i started investigating the church again, this time just because it felt right. not because of a friend (lani had no idea really lol :] ), not because of a boy, but because i felt empty i felt like there was a missing piece to ME and in my sleep, in my prayers, in the back of my mind during the day it turned to the church. so i started talking to friends again asking questions again but this time with an open mind and heart. i then got the guts up to admit i wanted to talk to the missionaries so melissa helped me get that arranged and in the same week i met with them. we talked about all my questions, my fears with my family, we prayed it was amazing. and i have never felt so right about anything, that is until the bus tour that weekend.
now i am up to june 7th the day of the bus tour. i was terrified to go to this church alone, with absolutely no one there i knew except the missionaries but they werent going to go so i was alone and so completely vulnerable. i remember walking in thinking oh goodness i dont know anyone! what am i going to do. no sooner had i thought that when the first person came up to me and introduced himself (colton) quickly followed by a bunch of new people who were all genuinely excited to meet me. i have never EVER felt so welcomed, safe, and warm by a bunch of strangers. in my mind and my heart i knew this was right this was EXACTLY where i was supposed to be at this moment in my life and i was so completely grateful for it.
the bus trip was amazing and while on it at the site i came to a realization this is how God wanted me to come into the church. he wanted me to do it when it was for ME not when i was trying to escape from something or someone, or when i was trying to fit in with my awesome friend. He wanted me to do it when there was nothing left out there for me to fill the void in my heart with. HE brought me to Lani and her amazing family, HE brought me to them so they could help me find the church, HE strenghtened my relationship with her family and her sister so they could bring to the missionaries. HE brought me to them so i could find the AMAZING people at the Platte City 2nd branch and so they could be MY (not lanis even though her church family is awesome) family during this transition. HE brought me all of this when he knew i was ready. HE put the fire in my heart to pursue it this time, to find answers and for that i am ETERNALLY grateful. i was baptized only a week ago but i feel like it was so much longer than that.
i am so happy now, i am complete, i am thankful i have this AMAZING relationship with Heavenly Father that i never thought could be possible, i am thankful that this time my parents are accepting of my decisions, that god warmed their hearts to see that this decision is an amazing one for me, that he brought so many wonderful people into my life before an after the baptism and who were all responsible for it in some way or anther.i am so thankful for everything i have been blessed with all the trial and tribulations i have been through because they have made this victory of me becoming a member THAT MUCH MORE WONDERFUL. i am so happy. so enjoy the pictures. i love you all. enjoy my pictures. :)
My amazing parents and i. i am so glad they came! God is awesome and this picture is such a good picture,minus my dads eyes being closed :(. but i was soo happy that day! oh i am still so happy.
Just a few of the ratliffs/clints that made it! preston, aaron, kameryn, me, jaxyn, melissa, and brookelin. i love them!!
Ted and Marcy! some of the most amazing people ever! who i am so proud to call my second parents!
The missionaries who helped set the whole baptism up on such short notice and helped me through the whole process. :) Elder Gallacher, me, and Elder Tuttle.
Some of my new awesome friends from church. :) life is awesome
The most awesomest chick ever!! 3rd person i met and made me feel so welcome! love her!!
and this is just an awesome picture to end a blog with. love you all and God bless you all.
