Well hello there! long time no write i know! well i havent had my internet for a loong time and i have been back and forth from my apartment and my home and yea its been so hectic. i am just ready for it to slooow down a tid bit. hmm so ok well i have a lot to up date everyone on. kind of well ya know i could add a ton of pictures and tell everyone about my apartment, but eh they are all on facebook and you guys can see them on there and oh and ah if you like. i am going to use my blog to talk. oh i am good at that. i made lots of phone calls yesterday looking for someone to just listen to me. gosh i seriously just needed someone to talk and only 2 people picked up, you know who you are ;) thank you.
do you guys just ever get in those moods like you just feel like everything is crashing down? like its just all wrong or weird or nothing makes sense or there is just so many people to please and you just cant do it all? well all of those things...i was feeling saturday night. i just ugh i dont know what to do with all of me and my family and friends. i have 2 lives now and it sucks! i have a life in maryville which i LOVE i have friends here who i LOVE and an apartment that i LOVE!!! but its summer so my friends that are up here are taking classes and summer classes are killer so they cant really hang out, thats COMPLETELY understandable. but then i have a life in excelsior, well kind of which is what i realized this weekend. i dont really have anyone to come home to in etown. i have my parents and a couple of friends but other than that...nothing. and my 2 or 3 friends i have, i cant and dont expect them to spend every waking moment with me. but when i am not doing something im sittin at home which really isnt my home anymore. all of my bed stuff, internet, tv, books, LIFE is in maryville now. oh is just so hard guys.
i love it in maryville and i want to live here exclusively and be here but i feel so responsible to the few people i have left behind in excelsior to keep my life there. especially my kitty ;). lol but no really i do. like i feel like if i go away i will forget about them...or they will forget about me. also up here i am alone for the most part ya know? i dont have anyone with me at night...mainly referring to my kitty but i dont have anyone here. i suppose as an only child i grew up always having someone there for me and now im by myself and its quiet...i dont even know. :( this is why i get sad and confused and lost i have all these mixed emotions about everything!
so i have decided that this time right now in my life is my time. its my time to do what i want. live MY LIFE how i want to live it. do things for me, what i want to do. this time right now in my life is a time for great things to happen or bad things to happen. i can actually CHOOSE who i want to be (for the most part anyways). while i knew this all along i know now that if i ever want to be my own person i need to take advantage of this amazing opportunity i have in front of me and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks or is doing. and as for those people i am afraid that will forget about me, well if they are there for me - not exactly waiting around for me - but if they are there when i get back and we can pick up where we left off then they are really my friends, my people, the ones who i know no matter what will always be there and if they are not there then oh well. i have to do things for me for once.
so what am i going to do? well here are a few things i would like to do for myself: go on a long walk every night when the sun is starting to set, pray every night, read all the time, go to greece, go fishing, go to church, tell everyone important to me exactly how i feel about them, let go of old grudges, be more accepting of change, "love thy enemies", find some more great music, go camping, get a massage, do WHATEVER comes to my mind with out over thinking it.
oh and i found this awesome song that just oh explains so much about me i dont know how i feel, how i want to feel, its just so awesome. its by a Christian band called FLYLEAF and wow it just struck me and i love it...definitely worth watching the video so you can hear the song. but here are the lyrics because they are what is so moving to me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-sNIWi2fLs <-----that is the link for the vid.
All Around Me lyrics
My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you
This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you
I'm alive, I'm alive
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing
My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place
The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you
I'm alive, I'm alive
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing
And so I cry
The light is white
And I see you
I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing
Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you own me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed
well guys thanks for reading this post. you all are amazing and i love you guys!! i hope this post didnt just talk in circles, but then again if it did well you already know that is just WHO I AM! :-D have a very wonderful day!!
Love,
Michelle Bell
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2 comments:
I think you're on the right track! "Me Time" is exactly what you have the opportunity for right now. Once you meet the man you'll marry, it's never about you anymore. You're single, getting an education, and you're an awesome person! So, take the time for you. Make time for yourself. And, let me know when you want that massage... I need one, too :) LOL! We love you. And, I'll always try to answer when you call :) Have fun!!
Michelle you are so amazing. You are RIGHT on target. Honestly! As I read your blog, you hit so many truths. This IS the time for YOU, for you to determine who you really are, be who you want to be, live the life that you want to live, not worry about everyone else & what or who they want you to be & do, but be who YOU want & become who you were sent here to become. Now IS YOUR time!!! Enjoy it with your whole heart! Do all those things on your list. Hit each one a day at a time & let God continue to guide you. He IS guiding you Michelle. He really is. Keep listening & you'll hear Him speaking to your heart & you'll remember who you really are & THAT is who you will be. I love you Michelle. You are amazing! & I'm sorry I didn't answer. I WAS on with Lani & didn't hear the message until just now...Monday at nearly noon! Sorry!!!
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